The Woman Under the Stairs, Over the Balcony, Adjacent to the Living Room
Comedian Sarah Colonna has traveled the country doing standup, wrote a book called Has Anyone Seen My Pants?, and is co-starring in an upcoming Netflix series. Cigars & Leisure caught up with Sarah during a break in her busy schedule to talk about her book, travel experiences, her time on E!’s Chelsea Lately, and what’s coming up in her humor-filled career.
Cigars & Leisure: Complete these sentences: I can’t live without …
Sarah Colonna: Under-eye cream and red wine. Sometimes I need more under-eye cream because of the red wine.
The best love advice I’ve ever gotten was …
“If he was interested, you would know it, so move on.”
Most people would be surprised that I’ve never …
Let anyone put a finger in my butt. Can I say that?
If there was a Lifetime movie made about my life, it would be titled and would star …
It would be called The Woman Under the Stairs Over the Balcony Adjacent to the Living Room. And it would star whichever Olsen twin is available.
One lesson I’ve learned from Twitter is …
That sometimes people just want a reaction out of you, so ignore the jerks.
Tell us the story about what inspired your book’s title, Has Anyone Seen My Pants?
It was a combination of stories, really. I kind of thought that, through a lot of my 30s, I was “looking for my big-girl pants.” And in many other ways, I just felt emotionally pants-less, if there is such a thing.
But, you’re right, there was one story that sealed the deal on the title. I was performing in a casino on New Year’s Eve, and the show ended at 9:30 p.m. The other comedian and I were kind of stuck after that in this weird casino in the middle of Iowa and a snowstorm … so, he gave me some edible marijuana—or is it marijuana edibles? I’m not much of a pot person; it just kind of makes my brain melt and I lose communication skills.
Long story short, a couple of people who had been at the show tried to talk to me, and all I could muster was the word “candy.” They weren’t talking about candy; it was just the only word I knew for about an hour. My friend suggested I go back to my hotel room, and about an hour later I remembered that there was a bunch of cheese in the green room next to the theater where we performed, which was just a few doors down from my room. So I wandered down, got a plateful, and went back to my room. When I got back into my room, I looked down and realized I wasn’t wearing any pants. I was still wearing the sparkly top I performed in, but no pants … not a great look.
Since a great portion of your book deals with what you’ve experienced in your 30s, what’s the biggest lesson you’ve learned from those years?
The biggest lesson I learned is that the most important thing in life is not only to love yourself but to find someone who accepts and loves you for you. Don’t pretend to be someone you aren’t in order to hold onto someone who doesn’t understand you.
Tell us about your worst travel experience.
Any time I’ve been upgraded to first class and it’s one of those flights where the flight attendants don’t serve you a drink before takeoff. Can’t we just have consistency on this?
What’s your favorite vacation spot?
Cabo. I’ve been many times, and I love it every time. I’m definitely a beach person. The cold weather can suck it.
I know from following you on Twitter and Facebook that you’re always on the road. What’s the best travel tip you’ve picked up from having to travel so much?
To always have something downloaded to watch on my iPad, and to watch out for the a-holes who forget they’re wearing backpacks and smack every person in the aisle in the head with it on the way back to their seat on a plane.
You grew up in Arkansas, which isn’t a place you hear many people flocking to for vacations. What’s something everyone visiting Arkansas needs to do while visiting the state?
I make fun of being from there, but it is a really beautiful state. There’s a town called Eureka Springs that is kind of a great little tourist place. And if you’re ever in Fayetteville, definitely eat at Hugo’s and have the Derek’s Special.
I get the sense you’ve had an adult beverage here or there. What’s your drink of choice?
I love red wine with a good dinner, but I tend to be a vodka/soda with lemon girl. And when I say lemon, I mean lemon! Keep your nasty lime off my vodka drink.
While working on Chelsea Lately, did you have a celebrity encounter that stands out above all the rest?
David Hasselhoff. He had a great sense of humor about himself, about all of it. He was a blast to work with.
Considering the name of our magazine, I have to ask—do you smoke cigars?
Ha, I don’t. I’ve definitely tried some over the years, with my dad and with another friend who loves cigars. I actually have really enjoyed it every time I’ve tried one, though.
What’s ahead for Sarah Colonna?
I’ll be co-starring in an upcoming Netflix series called Insatiable.