Having a little kid on crutches squeak, “God bless us, everyone,” may be a tear-jerker for some, but it’s not exactly our bowl of porridge here at C&L. As such, we’ve compiled our favorite quotes—or in some cases rants—and scenes from Christmas movies.
Props man [trying to attach antlers to a mouse]: I can’t get the antlers glued to this little guy. We tried Crazy Glue, but it don’t work.
Frank Cross: Did you try staples?
#9. The Nightmare Before Christmas
Jack Skellington: Merry Christmas! And what is your name?
Kid: Uh… uh…
Jack Skellington: That’s all right. I have a present for you, anyway. There ya go, sonny! Ho ho ho! Hee hee hee! [Slips out the chimney]
Mother: And what did Santa bring you, honey? [kid shows a shrunken head; parents scream]
Jack Skellington: [flying away] Merry Christmas!
#8. Home Alone 2: Lost in New York
Gangster: Maybe I’m off my hinges, but I believe you. That’s why I’m gonna let you go. I’m gonna give you to the count of three to get your lousy, lyin’, low-down, four flushing carcass out my door! 1… 2…[fires tommy gun]…3. Merry Christmas, you filthy animal [fires again]. And a Happy New Year [fires again].
Buddy: [Thinking Miles is an elf] Did you have to borrow a reindeer to get down here?
Miles Finch: Hey, jackweed, I get more action in a week than you’ve had in your entire life. I’ve got houses in L.A., Paris and Vail. In each one, a 70-inch plasma screen. So, I suggest you wipe that stupid smile off your face before I come over there and smack it off! You feeling strong, my friend? Call me elf one more time.
Buddy: [After a pause, whispering] He’s an angry elf.
#6. A Christmas Story
Mr. Parker: He looks like a deranged Easter Bunny.
Mother: He does not!
Mr. Parker: He does too. He looks like a pink nightmare!
#5. Die Hard
Hans Gruber: [Reading what John McClane wrote on the dead guy’s shirt] “Now I have a machine gun. Ho ho ho.”
#4. The Grinch
The Grinch: There is, however, one teeny, tiny Christmas tradition I find quite meaningful… [holds up mistletoe] Mistletoe. [Puts mistletoe over his butt] Now pucker up and kiss it, Whoville!
#3. The Ref
Murray: When are we gonna open presents?
Gus: Presents? Is that what you said? Presents? We’ll open them when we get there. No, in fact, I’ll save you the trouble. Your present is a giant fucking cannon. And you’re gonna crawl in it. Then I’m gonna get two pounds of gunpowder and I’m gonna shoot you right out to Jersey! And then I’m gonna drive to Jersey, and pick up all the parts of your body and put them in a plastic bag. Then I’m gonna drive to my house with you in the bag and toss you into the fireplace. I’m gonna get my glass of whiskey and watch the Charlie Brown Special with your ashes burning in my fucking house!
#2. Bad Santa
Kid: What are their names?
Kid: The elves.
Willie: Shit, I can’t remember, I think one of them is Sneezy and there’s a Dopey…
Kid: That’s the Seven Dwarfs!
Willie: You’re shittin’ me? I thought… I was thinking there was a… I don’t know! Fuck, kid; I just call them you know Bub, I call them… I say hey Bub or Chief or whatever the fuck, I tell them to make the god dammed toys.
#1. Christmas Vacation
Clark Griswold: Where do you think you’re going? Nobody’s leaving. Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no, no, no. We’re all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We’re gonna press on, and we’re gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.